Dear Coach Mona
From the April 2006
Issue of Applaud Magazine
Printer friendly version of the article below

Dear Coach Mona, My husband and I don't communicate well. We're either yelling and screaming or ignoring each other. My friend and her husband don't yell like we do, what is wrong with us? Is there something I can do to improve our talks so we don't end up killing each other? Sincerely, Pam ------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Dear Pam, The good news is that you're both still here! I'm glad you asked this question as there are many couples who have a hard time communicating with each other in conflict. Many of us are just mimicking what we learned from our parents without questioning how well it's working in our relationships. There are different thoughts on communicating between partners. There are no absolute rules. Each couple communicates in a different way, but the ultimate measure of success is if each one walks away feeling heard and acknowledged. Conflict in relationships cannot be avoided, it is part and parcel of being with someone who has different thoughts, experiences, and feelings than us. To have a successful conversation requires setting some ground rules. Without these rules, the flood gates of emotions can take over creating unnecessary pain and hardship. 1. There is a time for everything. Don't talk to your spouse when you are still in the throes of anger or frustration. Your point will be lost and it can damage your relationship. When we are still emotionally pumped we often say and do things that don't represent us in the long run. Those few “nasty” words can cause long term emotional damage. A few words here and there may not seem like a big deal, but over time they accumulate, festering under the surface until they explode. 2. Stay focused. As a coach I encourage my clients to have a point. You don't have to sugar coat things or be brutally blunt. A happy medium is being straight to the point but delivering it in a way that is heard. Gentleness and tact go a long way in communicating effectively. Be very clear about what you want your mate to do or say after you're done. In the beginning it's helpful to them if you give them some direction. Don't forget to pause in between and take deep breathes. 3. No finger pointing. Take full responsibility for your part in the discussion. It gives your spouse the space to know that mistakes are alright and you acknowledge yours. If you're coming from the point of view that it's his fault, then you're not ready! Communication is a two way street, one person is never at 100% fault. 4.Be conscious of your posture and tone of voice. There is nothing more confusing to a man when his wife is trying to “explain” things to him but her voice says she wants to bite his head off. He will pay more attention to how you're standing and sounding than just your words. Being neutral is very important in a difficult conversation and the more composed you are the better the talk will go. 5. Talk through your thoughts and feelings first with a good friend. Most women find resolutions to a problem by talking out loud. This is how we process our feelings and thoughts to clarity. It is not necessary to do this while you're talking to your spouse, it might just be to much for him to chew on. A good friend can be your sounding board first so you you're ready and to the point when you do have that difficult conversation. 6. Listen with your heart not your brain. Hear what the emotions and intentions are behind his actions before you make and decisions. You might be surprised on how much your mate “feels”. 7. And finally, be patient with yourself and your spouse. It will take some time to change habits and the only way that will happen is through consistency and patience. You might have to have a few conversations on just one topic to come to a resolution. There are no hard and fast rules on how quickly something happens. Communicating can be tricky if your styles are difficult but how you work towards each other will guarantee success. Use these ground rules consistently and you will notice a big shift in your conversations. Life Coach Mona Wind leads Women's Retreats and Prosperity workshops and tele-classes. She is a graduate of CoachU, a 2-year training program for coaches. She has traveled to 28 countries and uses tools from around the world in her practice. Visit her at her website www.lifeintegrity.com or email her at monawind@lifeintegrity.com or call (781) 438-4078.